It’s funny. You never knew my friends’ names, or went to my graduation, or saw any of the shows I directed. Why didn’t you ever express interest in my life? I ask about your friends, I remember their names and where you spent your summers and the department of your dean. I give when it comes to you. Your friends didn’t even know where I went to college. When pain brought me to tears at the dinner table you even didn’t ask what the diagnosis was. You treat me like a toy, you play with my hair but it’s as if I have no life outside of the time we’re together.
But I still cried when I saw you in your cap and gown, and made the effort to meet your friends, and friended your boyfriend on Facebook. I make sure you know I care. So maybe this is unrequited love.
what linear does to me
been in kj for five hours. now making gummy bears fight each other.
sanity where you at?
a letter to mom and dad
So stuff with our family has been a little rocky over the past few breaks I’ve had from school. Either we’ve fought or I’ve been unhappy or it’s just felt weird. But this break was literally perfect. For the first time since I went to school I saw just how wonderful coming home was - and not just because I got some extra sleep. Our house is such a place of love and acceptance, and words cannot express how great that feels. The first half of this semester was so hard, and the last two weeks were exactly what I needed. You told me you were proud of me, you talked to me about the future, you confirmed that the choices I’ve made are the right ones. And no matter how old I am (or want to be) (or pretend to be), what Mom and Dad think always means the most. Love you both to the moon and back, and miss you already
an amendment to my thought process
so on the online hunt for the perfect pajama pants, i came across a picture of a super duper skinny model - literally every rib was visible. my first thought was to download the picture, post it on my blog, and comment on how unattractive i found it to be. but then i stopped. doing that would make me just as bad as everyone else. remarking on how thin someone else is hurts just as bad for them as my thoughts about my ever expanding thighs hurt for me. We all have opinions, and we can’t help it: it’s human nature. but from this day on i’m making a vow to not say a negative word about any girl’s body. no one is too fat, too skinny, too busty, too flat-chested. we just are. honestly, weight sucks. i wish the scale flashed celebrity headlines or twitter updates instead of numbers. because all those numbers do is draw us into that spiral of funk and dark depression and unhappy days. you know that joke about how six ate seven? well one twenty five eats me. and i just want to eat a cookie.
so that’s it. done with body shaming. sure it won’t be easy, and i still might mentally judge too quick. i’ll definitely slip up now and then - because NO ONE IS PERFECT. but it’s the first step to acceptance. for so long i’ve change my mind on a minute to minute basis about whether or not i like how i look. while that’s not going to change any time soon, the least i can do is not inflict the projections of my own insecurities on anyone else.
maybe, just maybe, if i can learn to see another woman and begin by looking at her face, not her body, i’ll love myself just a little bit more. it can’t hurt right?
